UPGRADES

02.10.2016: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

ironarmored:

^{IF HE WERE TO BE HONEST,  though honesty has never suited him half as well as the deception that wears on him like a favorite color,  he’s spent  …  more than his fair share of  distracted moments  thinking about steve and his romantic exploits.  in both the purely clinical sense of casual observation,  and well-meaning concern as his friend and partner.  as he well knows,  the person you are,  and the one you are when you’re with someone who knows you in your  entirety,  could be strangers in side-by-side comparison.} 

^{steve  …  steve has never seemed overtly  different  as a man in love.  in their decade-long friendship,  tony can’t recall any blatant discrepancies in behavior,  or personality.  all he really has,  however,  are  hypotheticals  and half-truths,  even the occasional rumor dredged from the avengers rumor mill.  it’s not a part of steve he’s ever had  reason  to know,  of course.}

^{❛     steve rogers is a  closet romantic.  will wonders ever cease.     ❜   dry as bone and with a smile that’s borderline  mischievous,  his eyes gleam from beneath the batting of slightly lowered lashes.  the fascimile of  how things used to be  (   how  they  used to be   )  physically hurts,  in the way that broken ribs and bruised hands don’t anymore,  but it’s a  relief  and a fleeting spark of surprise that he’s still capable of it.  he’d missed how much  more  everything around steve seemed to feel.  things seems more real,  with steve.  less  lifelike  and simultaneously  alive,  because there’s a  difference  there and tony knows it too intimately.} 

^{❛     i remember them.     ❜   they’re his favorite.   ❛     and don’t you worry about me,  commander.  i can walk the walk and talk the talk.  i’ve been the most eligible bachelor in the city three years running,  didn’t you know ?      ❜}

^{he’d grin with teeth,  dazzingly suave and casanova charming,  but they’ve made it so far for tony to chip away at such progress now.  besides,  they’re barely at the start line and he’s supposed to be preparing for a marathon,  arming himself for  endurance.  sweetness brimming at his mouth,  he purses his lips and cages the thought though not the implication of  laughter.   ❛     i hope this doesn’t mean i’ll have to replace my entire wardrobe with flannel and shirts that two sizes too small.  i happen to like having my things  bespoke.     ❜}

_{★— ROMANCE: commonly defined as the feeling of glamour, mystery and excitement - known as the feeling of. Or most well known as to gain the love of; to court. All of the above were applicable to the soldier, both the noun and the verb. But a side of him that remain deeply veiled, only exposed to those he bared his heart to. In recent years, however, that side, that HEART had been so iced off from the real world that it had become encased in THICK blocks to remain hidden, to protect himself from PAIN. Yet, with Tony, things were different - to put it simply.} 

                   _{Captivated by the fan of lashes, he cursed himself, begging himself not to linger on the visual. Nostalgia washing over him as his lungs seemed to inhale –} SOAKING _{in every moment, breathing in what felt like those years ago. Fretting, his lungs sought to CLUTCH onto such memories and allow for them to soak into his very blood, lingering and loitering until finally, audibly, they escaped with a swift breath. He had yearned for it — to GRAPPLE onto the memories that caused his heart to flutter once. Steve asked himself; could he pretend what happened didn’t happen —— could they PRETEND? Lies and self loathing, betrayal and deceit had been all consuming and had festered into their relations, to put it lightly. But for now, he} COULD _{pretend… And pass it off as a mission, and not purely and solely because his heart wished for it to be true.} 

                  ❛ _{You’ve been the most eligible batchelor, yes, but have you been the taken man that everyone wants, but can’t have?} ❜ _{Spoken with candor.}❛ _{Off the market.}❜_{Neither of them had reached that point in their previous relationships —- the moment where they would bask in the press and say that their hearts had been sold. But the thought of being the man that held Tony’s heart in his hands – well, it was something} ELSE_{, an indescribable uplifting stir that caused him to shift in his stance.} 

                  ❛ _{Flannel is timeless, besides they ain’t small– I just find ‘em like that. No– that’s not what I meant. Something along the lines of matching suits or… small accessories. I’m no fashionista, that’s Janet’s department. You must have some other suggestions, and no I ain’t wearin’ a yellow tank top like you used to wear runnin’. Oh– What about sports gear, we can go for runs in the morning together. Wouldn’t that seem like we’re syncing schedules; as couples do… I ain’t ever been in a relationship like that, but I’ve heard about it. I mean Luke and Jess line up their schedules to look after Dani…} ❜ _{He was far from coherent with his thoughts, uttering what had come first to his mind with a lack of filter; living in that dream world he had, a perception that he was about to live out.} 

                  _{A mission, he reminded himself, repeating as though it would help pluck him out from those illusions he was sinking into — as though everything was just fine again. As though they were PERFECT.} 

                  ❛ _{We can use those morning runs to catch up, talk more, observe. It’s a tactical move.}  ❜

ironarmored:

^{HE IS AUDACITY AT ITS FINEST,  and surely no other man without his calibre and years of honed adroitness could accomplish it with such  little fanfare.  but he knows,  steve,  too,  in ways that the other man might yet come to hate.  there’s a version of him buried under history,  and weathered hurt,  that once thought of tony like home.} 

^{and the word sinks into him,  a fishhook pinned to his skin that gouges deeper when he chases in pursuit after its source,  an  exercise in futility.  home.  there are lines of script obliterated with indiscriminate black bars that he can’t decode.   he’s at a sheer drop of a precipice,  peering in through his own eyes across a vast abyss stretching unending through an entire year of  bloodshed  and war,  and aimless dark.  it takes  no amount of imagination  to fill in the spaces that television footage and newspaper article clippings have left empty,  the eyes that dart away from his in fear of contact and his searching,  prying questions.  as if simply speaking aloud what awful transgressions came to pass in this year of blood would break him to hear it.  his mind lays traps for him with scenes of escalating violence spelled out in tortuous mad libs:  steve rogers was  ______  (   verb :  murdered  /  assassinated  /  slaughtered on the courthouse steps   ) .}  

^{you were  _____  (  adjective:  guilty  /  too late  /  complicit  /  judas  /  guilty guilty guilty   ).}  

^{it is no small wonder that he  (   a word for what you deserve : hates  /  BLAMES  /  is disgusted by  /  could never again trust   )  you.}

^{steve’s too kind for laugther;  that isn’t his brand of cruelty.  but the breath he’d been holding between his teeth escapes through the slit of his teeth.  he reaches for the band of silver kept warm from his pocket,  slips it on before turning his hand out to appease him.}

^{❛     don’t you worry,  mr. stark-rogers,  i came prepared.     ❜   he wasn’t about to leave such an opportunity for humiliation to karmic temptation if steve were to deny him.  and for the thousandth time since the mission briefing had all but been delivered to them upon a deceivingly innocuous silver platter,  he thinks,  this is a mistake.}

^{after the war,  after  everything,  what else is there left to him but  half-mad  desperation  ?  what else,  save for deception and  trickery  and  covert operations,  is ever going to give steve rogers reasons to forget the blood tracked across his soul,  and the bullets he all but loaded into that gun.  to make him look at him again like someone who isn’t responsible for  killing him.  for martyring him in a cause he was never meant to die for.  (   GOD.  OH MY GOD.  I’M NOT THE CRYING KIND, STEVE.                           in this crazy business we’re in,  there’s no one i’d miss more than you.   )}

^{❛     similar things ?   what,  you mean like couples pyjamas ?  his  &  him matching sets ?     ❜   smirk grazes his lips,  razor-sharpness softened by the playfulness of his tease.   ❛     i never thought of you as the overly  sentimental type,  commander.     ❜}

_{★— STOIC and stood like a man made from diamonds, his expression always gives little away — but again, in their past perhaps his vulnerabilities were bared far more frequently in the confines of their friendship; what was once a safe-place, now closed doors that hung slightly ajar for tentative steps toward – but it was RARE in these days that such a space was gazed into. Blood stained doors – painted CRIMSON with betrayal, VERMILION with deceit and RUBY with distrust.}  

                RESERVE _{comes across;} FEAR, _{as much as he tries to contain it. The feeling of a bullet sinking into his skin haunts his dreams, plagues his thoughts and causes his eyes to examine every entrance and window the second he steps out or in. Paranoia is now a PART of his mentality. And what he is AFRAID of is opening up again; to be that exposed and become that easy of a target. Dwelling in the past is his forte, after all; a man out of} TIME_. 

                _{WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE —– flowing rapids, washing away stains to be forgotten and L O S T. He sought so deeply for that sense of forgiveness he once had, but perhaps that segment of his soul, the compassionate soldier had been DILUTED.} 

                _{Professionalism takes a back seat for the moment and Steve raises his hand to pinch the bridge of his sharp nose.}  ❛ _{Well, items that may symbolise more of a relationship. We have to seem} GENUINE_{, so yes – if you want to go down that route; casual wear that compliments one another, matching pins, something like… old gifts. Remember those old cufflinks I got you about 5 years ago, those would be good. At least then they have a story behind them, should anyone ask. And if you don’t think I’m sentimental in terms of objects I give to my friends, you’re mistaken} Director_{. If I’m giving someone a gift… It} MEANS _something. ❜

ironarmored:

^{THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN A SIMPLE THING,  he  &  this man who has come to define so much of his life,  so much of  him  and his impetus to live.  when they were young and fresh-faced,  gilded with the blessing of an unforgotten innocence,  in a time when a mandate to  do good  was all that one needed to wear the colors of a hero,  he’d believed that their ease was innate.  effortless.  but what cosmic variables,  how grand the scale of space-time and supergalactic alignment unprecedented,  had to be strung together to shape the universe in the way it needed to be,  for them to meet the way that they did,  he can ascribe only to a vast,  ineffable  working of fate.}

^{if there is anything in this life after the war,  the invasion,  osborn,  and all the other minor and grand disasters littered in between,  that is  unequivocal,  it is that steve is a  FIXED POINT.  the  constant  that he returns to.  point zero.}  

^{❛     just making sure.     ❜   he’s riled up commander rogers’ easily ruffled,  kevlar-lined and bulletproof  indignation.  with that opaquely honest face of his and an angular jaw made for restraining frustration or fury,  steve remains as easy to decipher as ever.  he’s as  wary  as tony is,  and it offers a small measure of comfort as he unlaces his fingers from the surface of his desk and reaches into his jacket pocket.}

^{the box is nondescript,  plainly chosen for its lack of ceremony.  the  size  of it,  however,  can’t be unfamiliar to steve.  he smiles,  and in the curve of his mouth there’s the ghost of a dozen rapturous smiles offered to women he  once believed  would be the first  &  last he’d ever ask.  in a way,  this time is no different from the rest;  his quiet demands for  trust,  loyalty,  faith,  for the opportunity to be seen as worthy,  and deserving,  could almost be a pastiche if not for the  quiet gravity  of his voice.}

^{❛     for authenticity.  i know most soldiers don’t really wear them on missions.  but i thought it’d come in handy,  anyway,  just in case.     ❜}

_★— PROPOSITIONS _{always have a way of making his heart go THAT much faster. For each palpitation to quicken with question, for his blood to run WARM to brace his body for impact. Solid composure} MELTED _{by the hot lava that circulates his system, the veneer he hides behind} CRACKED _{to suggestions that he may question. He knows Tony can see it – the FALTER in the perfect figure.} 

               _{What he may not realise is that Tony has ALWAYS had that effect on him; the ability to} SHAKE _{him to the core, to reach into his heart and SQUEEZE it with little of an endeavour. Tony has an astounding ability – But Steve is sure that it was unintentional; that he didn’t intend for the stare of those sapphire-blue hues to have such an} IMPACT _{on a man who was hard to hit. Even now, throughout the convoluted history, delving through and past the tangles and restraints that had held them in the past – a bittersweet consideration and care remains —– as un-salvageable as it may appear to an extent. If he leads, Steve} will _follow. 

              _{Every move is followed by a sharp icy gaze, appearance as SOLID as possible – but when he spots the small box placed on the wood, that very aforementioned JUDDER curses throughout his system again; wavering uncertainty, anxiousness and his imagination getting the better of him.} 

              _{All in jest – he considers. But no, solemnity is painted over Tony’s expression, the sheer} GRAVITAS _{keeps Steve grounded, and yet a tinge of warmth may paint the edges of his cheekbones, which he nonchalantly grazes his hand over.} 

                ❛ _{Is that what I} THINK _{it is? And if so – You realise} YOU’RE _{going to have to wear one too… I agree it makes good for authenticity, if anyone where to question us.}    ❜

              _{Not so much a suggestion as an order, a covetous feeling that had otherwise lay dormant until now, appearing.} 

              ❛ _{We need to consider others in the area, and maybe find more…} SIMILAR _things… ❜

ironarmored:

^{THEY’RE AT A STALEMATE.   of course,  they’re at a stalemate,  because things can never not be a  constant stand-off  between them without unravelling into a complicated,  suffocating mess.  even in silence,  commander rogers is a sight to behold.  the navy of his uniform embellished by the white of the stripes and single star at the center of his chest;  calmly stoic,  indecipherable marble.  (   and when did that happen ?  he wonders,  nostalgia intertwining with resignation.  when did he become so impossible to read  ?  and was it …  was it the war,  or merely what they’d  done to each other  ?   )   he breaks the silence,  and a part of him is glad to  surrender  this  small victory.  he’s done too much winning steeped in pyrrhic loss.}    

^{❛     you know                         if you don’t want to  DO THIS,  you don’t have to.    ❜  the words come out short,  syllables trimmed with a bite.  it’s not what he’d intended to say,  but this is just an interlude to how things are going to be now.  tense,  barely concealed animosity the bladed edge between them.  exhausted,  resigned,  he decides to lean into the sharp edges.   ❛     this is a long-term mission.  there’ll be  serious repercussions  for the future of SHIELD,  succeed or fail.  i don’t want someone who’s going to be a  liability.    ❜}

@youusedme

_{★— The air between them is THICK. At this moment in time even a man usually brimming with confidence seems to falter, if only for a single moment – the proposed plan causing} PALPITATIONS _{that lit his nerves with a quake of anxiety. How could such a powerful character suffer from such} LAPSES _{– it was because he was HUMAN. Contrary to popular belief.} 

                   _{Steely azures fixed on the director – the head honcho – a man who he would have once} PLEDGED _{himself to; though relations were rickety since..} The Incident_{. Death had a way of changing a relationship – and things hadn’t been the same} SINCE_{. Eyes cast upon the man who was now his} SUPERIOR, _{with the mentality that;} an order was an order_{. A part of him LOVED the eccentricity of the suggestion – the other part was concerned; grounded and cynical. But that air of THRILL and knowing that Tony wouldn’t have suggested it unless it was the best way forward was urging him to oblige.} 

                  ❛  _{I am NOT a liability. No will I} EVER _{be. Stark, you need CONVICTION to carry this out, and I am your} COMMANDER _{– Your most} RELIABLE _{contact. If you doubt my ability then what am I doing standing here? A mission is a MISSION. And I’ll always put} EVERYTHING _{I have into anything, cast aside anythin’ and give this all I got! The question is are} YOU _{up to it?}    ❜