He itches under the attention he gets from Steve, has ever sense he was first brought into his attention but for the most part Clint thought he had outgrown it as he had come into his own, or at least as he’s stopped hating the attention and started to look for it. He had been nearly impossible to teach because he hadn’t wanted to be, was too angry and scared and traumatized to give Steve a chance for a while but when he had finally let the other in he’d been thankful. But here he is again, feeling like that scared boy he’d been who had refused to even listen to Steve’s words. Though this time he doesn’t have that anger as a shield. He has no protection against the full brunt of his emotional turmoil right now.
Clint feels the moment his body is too filled with anxious energy to sit still but to avoid walking away from Steve he instead opts with shifting his weight back and forth on his feet, hands drumming along the counter with no real attempt at a rhythm but it keeps his eyes on Steve so he can read his lips and watch his face as he speaks.
But he does what the other asks, stands from where he’s been sitting which makes it harder for him to shift his weight in a subtle way but he keeps his hands moving on the counter because if he goes still for too long he’s pretty sure he’ll burst. “Now what?” Clint hates how raw his voice sounds, how childish and hurt. He knows that Steve wouldn’t hurt him but he’s not fully himself right now.
★— ANTICIPATING such a struggle – such HESTIANCE upon a request, that was seemingly simple. Given what Clint had said, or rather that PROFOUND ADMISSION, he knew that there was FAR more to that action that meets the eye – there was something MORE hidden behind it. He could see that it carried so much weight, that that facade of pretending to be FINE was wearing thin, and that true emotion was wearing away. Steve had witnessed people fall into this, hell, he’d felt it himself. Those very nights where he would awake engulfed in darkness, remembering what had happened to him – remembering how he had left his troops behind as he had PLUNGED into the ice. Regret, remorse, guilt, pain— numbness — emptiness — loneliness…
It was a wonder that a picture perfect man went through that, and it was something that he kept quite close to his chest, and chose not to let others see. Though that may have been, in truth, causing him far more pain than it was doing good for anyone else. But Clint had just spoken to him, he’d uttered those words aloud, and Steve could see that the confession was as hard a task as taking down Galactus single handed would be. With that, came admiration. Clint was STRONG, no matter what he said to contradict it.
Steve steps up to him, looks him in the eyes for a moment before wrapping his arms around him, and tugging him into a heartfelt embrace, his eyes closing as he tightened his grip with a deep set empathy, alongside sorrow. It wasn’t pity, it was much deeper than that. He loved Clint— he was someone that meant so much to him, stood alongside him, a brother by bond, and someone who Steve would protect, if he was allowed to. He knew he couldn’t protect him from everything, nor could he protect him from his own demons, but he could show that he would ALWAYS be there.
It’s too much sometimes. Just all of it. The pressure to help, to save, to make for the bad things he’d done before. (To make a shield against the bad things he knows he will do in the future) And for the most part Clint doesn’t even know how to explain it, not really, he’s tried before but it all comes out as a mess. How does he tell Steve that sometimes the reason he fights so hard, the reason he seems to be more than willing to get himself killed, is because he feels like if he lives too long he’s doomed to turn into his dad? So he’d rather die, go out brilliantly. But then. He had, hadn’t he? Blown up by someone he considered a friend. And it hadn’t helped. If anything it had just made everything so much worse in the long run.
Here’s something he regrets. He flinches at that. At the intensity in Steve’s voice, an automatic reaction that he has spent his entire life trying to unlearn especially when it came to Steve, who has never done anything to deserve it from him, but every man in his life before has and that makes it a challenge. But he recovers quickly, runs a hand through his hair, tries to act like it didn’t happen like he always does. “I don’t know how to be a part of that family, Steve.” He hadn’t had one, not really, and certainly not one that had prepped him for this. “I…thanks, I mean that, I know I don’t make this, or anything, easy on you. I’m sorry.” He’s not even completely sure what he’s apologizing for at the moment. Maybe just for not being able to believe what the other man is saying.
He stares at Steve throughout that, not just to read his lips but because he likes to think that if he’s meeting someone’s eyes they’re not lying to him, maybe that’s childish but it gives him some comfort and Steve is honest, he’s a good man and so Clint believes him. Nods his head. There’s fucking tears in his eyes and he feels like a kid and all of this is a lot for him. “I love you, man, i just, i mean, no that’s what I mean. Saved my life already, might as well let you help do it again.”
★— SADNESS brews in the depth of those storm ocean blues that are cast in the others direction, WISHING that Hawkeye would realise that he had always BEEN part of that family, and attempting to express that it was natural – that no matter what he did, he would always be part of it. DYSFUNCTIONAL as they were – he still valued every aspect of it, and they would always hold that place in his heart. Though, he tries not to let that show – it’s not disappointment he has in Clint, but at moments like these he had wished he had the ability to articulate far better, clearer and with much more persuasion. To him, actions had always spoken louder than words, so he knew sooner or later that he would have to show that he MEANT those words.
Taking a deep breath, fuelling his lungs with COURAGE, ( mirroring that of Clint’s spoken confession, and the strength that it must have taken to say such aloud ) he finally holds himself high enough to actually speak, noticing how Clint’s eyes reach that emotional peak.
❛ You’ve saved MY life, many times before. Without you, I couldn’t stand as I am right now. You may not know how to be part of a family, but nonetheless, it comes natural to me – you being part of it. Even if you don’t want to accept that, now do me one more favour, and stand up. Just for a second.❜
All the training Clint had, all the different ways he had learned to move and fight and survive, but no one ever thought to worry about teaching him like this, teaching him to live beyond the fight, live after surviving. Probably because none of them, before Steve, had ever really given a shit what he was going through, he’d been a tool to them and tools were easier to use if they didn’t know that what was being done to them was wrong. If they thought this was just how life was.
He wishes he didn’t feel like such a burden to Steve when he let all this out. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been such a nightmare to the man when he was younger, if he’d just come on the team and been grateful. But no. He was too angry, too scared, too emotional to let anyone be in charge of him again without putting them through the ringer.
“It should be.” He cuts in quickly, he almost sounds angry at the words though that’s the opposite of true, he just isn’t sure he understands why anyone let alone Steve would put this much faith in him, this much time into him. “There are people who need you more, people who haven’t spent chunks of their time trying to drive you to tear your hair out.” He doesn’t want to think about the people that love him because that just makes him feel worse like he’s somehow let them down by not being the charming, laughing guy he’s supposed to be though he isn’t sure who decided who he was supposed to be.
★—
SELF VALUE WAS A TREASURE, one that not many had learned about – a hidden trait, that could be the most beautiful thing, if found. That was why it was a treasure, because it was beautiful and everyone wanted it, it made people feel on top of the world and yet – was stolen so quickly. Steve knew this, not only from experience but also from observation. He had SEEN people fall from grace, and reach those dark places in their life where everything devalued them, everything looked tarnished and broken.
❛
You don’t determine my priorities, Clint, nor can you really say who is worthy for what. I’m not a judge, or jury, I don’t pass judgement, I do what feels best in my heart.
❜Spoken without a filter, he replied. ❛
I said no one is more important to me than my family, and you’re in that family, whether you like it or not. And you are loved, and no off-putting is ever going to stray me. What kind of love would it be if you didn’t care for the person’s imperfections? We all have them, too.
❜Steve believed his imperfections made him human, and KEPT him human rather than a government weapon like he was made to be.
❛
I know I can’t pull you out of this space in your mind, but I can at least HELP you. If you’ll let me, but I know that’s easier said than done. But first thing’s first Clint, don’t you EVER think that this is a task for me, this is something I want to do, this is why I’m here. I was once told that it’s not power or how much you can lift, raw strength, that makes a man — It’s COMPASSION, and I stand by those words. We all care for you, not the visage of Hawkeye – you. Clint Barton. ❜
anons for suckers anyway i think you’re AWESOME like not just as steve (tho you are a truly incredible and inspiring steve) but as a writer in general you make me want to push myself in our threads to be better and just as a person you’re always kind and there when i need you and it means the world
★— [[ AUSTIN MY DUDE. Thank you so much for this, really, like you’re SUPER sweet and SUPER fun to talk to, and hearing that I push you? Honestly the feeling is mutual, you write Clint with such depth and emotion it’s something I always love to read and something that encourages and inspires me to write. I love all of our threads and honestly im ALWAYS here if you need me, even if you want to come and vent about something completely random I’m here my dude, just an IM away. Thank you for also being kind, incredible and awesome!]]
It’s never easy to explain what’s going on in his head, even when things made more sense it hadn’t been, always felt like he was reaching out for some words that he never learned or a language he couldn’t speak. Somedays it felt like it should be easy to explain, I’m happy except when I’m not and even really when I am happy I feel like I’m a moment away from falling apart. That was the closest he could come, he didn’t think he was close to jumping off a cliff so much as one wrong gust of air away from being pushed. He was walking on glass every moment he was awake.
“ You’re my family too, Steve, hell of a lot better than the one I was born with it’s just…I know you all have so much happening and I’d feel selfish if I tried to put more on your shoulders. “ Clint feels selfish even just saying that, like he should be strong enough to handle all of this one his own and because he isn’t it’s a sign he shouldn’t even be here.
What kid wants to look to a man like him as a hero?
★— THE MIND WAS LABYRINTH – with twists and turns that would throw anyone off, it made it difficult to even know YOURSELF unless you were capable of the strength to break down those walls to reach the centre. Even then, mysteries continued to await. He had seen many people in his day lost and consumed by such a feat, but knew that it was easier going into that maze with friends and family, than to venture alone.
His heart ACHED for Clint, listening to his words but shaking his head at the last part –
❛NOTHING is more important to me than helping you, than being there for you and my team. It’s not my DUTY – no, it’s something far more important than that. You have helped me all these years, stood by my side during the toughest of battles, you’re valuable as a person and someone who should know that — you’re someone that people admire, believe it or not. And though, you may be in your own head right now, you have to realise that you’re IMPORTANT. You might ask me – who? And I can reel you off a list of names of those who need you, those who have had their lives touched by you. Right now – you’re in a lot of pain, I can see that, but you have to know first and foremost that you are LOVED.❜
There was no easy way to explain the way he thought about his life and death, or how sometimes the two didn’t seem to be connected in a way he knew they were. He’d been actively dangerously depressed before and this wasn’t that, though he knew it could be at a moments notice, but it certainly wasn’t good, it certainly wasn’t healthy. But he wasn’t lying to Steve, he didn’t want to die he just…he just didn’t fear or avoid it the way he probably should. If it was for a good enough cause Clint would be a moment away from making himself a martyr.
The feeling of a hand on his shoulder actually makes him jump slightly, it just took him by surprise but once he realizes what it is he relaxes under the touch, no matter how bad things got he took comfort in simple affection, it had been rare in his early life and even now he seemed to crave it.
“ I know, and thanks, I just like staying at my place. This one has…it has a lot of memories that kinda hurt. “ Memories of Bobbi mostly, things that still ache whenever he sees her but there’s the memories of his death too that always hangs over him here too. Clint doesn’t say that to Steve, doesn’t need to give him even more reason to worry. “Think you’d all have something more important to worry about. “
★— A MOMENTARY FLINCH was felt, and that concerned him right off the bat. Not that his previous stacked worry was wavering any, on the contrary, he continued to speak with softness and ease rather than anything too forceful. But mention of the mansion bringing back bad memories was – relatively painful, considering it was Steve’s first HOME. It was the first time he had a room of his own, shelter of his own, be it under someone else’s name, but it was still his sanctuary where he would TRUST being in the company of strangers who were soon to become his family.
His interest to dig deeper was there sitting on the tip of his tongue, but he knew it may have been too much to speak of, it wasn’t like him to PUSH someone like that.
Still, his hand held firm, giving him a squeeze once more before it pulled back, yet, he continued to stand behind him as though to reaffirm the fact he wasn’t going to leave Clint.
❛ There ain’t nothin’ more important to me than FAMILY, Clint, and whether you like it or not – you’re in that category. You’re the first folks I had, my first team, and individuals I’ll never let go of. Call it a curse, or a gift, it’s up to you.❜
Steve Rogers was your average kid, a who had nothing. He grew up during the great depression which resulted in him later on having a great value for everything that he now receives. He was meek as a child and was constantly bullied for his small size, that added to the fact that he had an extremely poor immune system and was diagnosed with every ailment and illness under the sun. Instead he continued with his education, specialising in arts where he constantly depicted himself as a super-hero, or drew heroes that could help save him.
After his mother (Sarah) passed away he faced a severe depression which he masked by engulfing himself in his pursuit of achieving his dream; joining the army and following in the footsteps of his father (Joseph).
He was constantly rejected. Time after time due to his small stature until he was taken on board project ‘rebirth’ where with the assistance of Howard Stark’s technology and Dr Josef Reinstien – he was turned into a super soldier. Initially he was a poster boy, being used for marketing campaigns by the US army in order to encourage recruitment as well as help improve the general PR image.
Breaking the rules and letting his complex get in the way, he decided to take down US’s number one enemy at the time – the Red Skull.
It was during a fight with Baron Zemo - that he had lost his best friend, Bucky Barnes in a tragic fall when the boy wonder was strapped to a rocket. Steve watched the rocket explode and that image had forever haunted his nightmares.
Taking down the Red Skull, he managed to save the country – however, it involved extreme self sacrifice as he steered the plane he was in into the sea. Luckily enough, it was preserved in ice as the sub-zero conditions froze Steve in a block of ice for a number of decades. The super-soldier serum is what had kept him alive all this time, preserved in ice until eventually he was thawed free – waking up, confused, dazed and delusional.
This is a largely 616 blog. Please ask if you want to RP MCU! - if you want to RP MCU you have one of two choices; either I will switch to MCU to suit you if you’re more comfortable with that OR we can do an alternate version where 616 meets your MCU.
All smut and gore will be tagged as NSFW or TW: Gore
Please be aware I’ve got one main trigger – Self Harm, if you could please tag themed posts with tw: self harm, I’d really appreciate it!
Feel free to thread
Do not expect instantaneous replies
Please remind me if I haven’t replied to our thread within a week.
Ship hate and bashing will not be tolerated.
Please have fun while threading! If you have ideas I would love to hear them.
Mun has been roleplaying as Steve Rogers for 4 years now. This is a reboot account after a hiatus.
IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE A THREAD FROM AN ASK: please create a new thread and tag me. I will NOT continue asks that have been reblogged - it just makes things easier for the both of us!
I will drop your thread if I believe that you are godmodding / becoming a Gary/Mary sue.
I will assume your character knows little of mine or hasn’t met unless they have in the comics
ASKS: If you wish to continue a thread that has spawned from an ask meme, PLEASE create a new thread and tag me in it, rather than reblogging the ask! I just feel it messes up formatting and looks a bit clustered.
Please see my EXCLUSIVITY page for particular character exclusivity before interacting! I’m not exclusive on many characters but there’s just a handful that have sentimental value to me!
In terms of shipping, I am open minded and will usually provide your muse with a verse of their own. But please note, while I play Steve as bisexual I do NOT ship Steve and Bucky in any universe, please respect that and ensure that your ships are tagged and I’ll do the same. I usually tag anything to do with Tony/Steve as otp: you gave me a home.
